WARNING! Obnoxious and Vulgar – like me!

First of all, I am going to apologise to Hagar’s parents, who subscribe to the blog, because it’s unlikely they have actually met this side of me. Plus this post will be crass and vulgar, like me, when on the whole I tend to curb my more potty mouth and fast talking obnoxiousness when I am around them. I am also going to apologise to the lovely, kind, nice people, who may have an inkling that I have the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, but I have actually been sort of repressing until now. If you don’t like swearing, bums, poo, bottom burps and a crass sense of humour then please stop reading and go and doing something far more worthwhile then reading the rest of this post.

Last night I read this blog called Pajamas and Coffee and I realised that I was suppressing myself a little in my blog’s postings. Pajamas and Coffee is a fabulously unashamed, energetic, bouncy, brilliant blog full of honesty and I thought it was great. Plus I am feeling a bit glum today due to insomnia issues that I have, because I suffer from ‘busy head’, once that little puppy kicks into action then there is no stopping it and I am up through the night thinkity thunking in a tiggerific kind of way. Frankly, it’s tiring and annoying and the only cure is a couple of episodes of ‘Two and Half Men’ which seems to send me to the land of sleepy nods. Anyway, I need to cheer myself up and hopefully spread some of the laughter around about it.

The thing is that I have a puerile, immature sense of humour. I can’t help it. I am Finnbar Saunders from Viz. I think farting is funny. I love a good knob gag (and I am not talking about deep throat *snigger, snigger*) I never fail to crack a smile when I get a notification from Skype saying that ‘Rob came online’. Even yesterday, I received a reply to comment I had made on Single Parent Dad’s post about baby gravy and he replied by saying ‘I come with a horrendous disclaimer’ and I thought immediately ‘most men cum with a bit of a grunt.’

My two favourite jokes are:

How do you get a nun pregnant?

F*ck her

OR

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day but anal sex makes your whole week (read – hole weak)

Not because I think that it’s funny that anal sex weakens your botty cavity but just because I like that it’s a clever play on words. (I am also not advocating nun f*cking, nuns have a right to be celibate)

Like the one where the man says to his mate, ‘what would you do if a bird sh*ts on your head?’

‘Well, I wouldn’t go out with her again,” his mate replies.

I like the play on words. It amuses me in a childish way.

Also, I get bored really easily, and when I get bored I get mischievous. I think it’s funny to do things without really thinking of the possible consequences. For example, there was a Facebook application called ‘Interview Questions’. One of my friends suggested I get said app, which I dutifully did so. But I didn’t really know how Facebook worked, so I thought I was answering the questions simply for her amusement. The questions were fairly pedestrian, and so, for a cheap laugh, I decided I would spice it up a bit.

One of the questions was:

What is your favourite body part?

*snigger, snigger* I thought that I would be very clever and write something rude that I thought was very funny! About 10 minutes later my friend calls me and says, ‘what have you just written?’

On her news feed for all her friends, and also my friends to see, Facebook had streamed:

A Modern Military Mother has just answered ‘I am quite partial to hard cock’ to an Interview question. To find out more about her click here!

Whoops! I am not really a very yummy mummy, I don’t ice cupcakes and I don’t own any Cath Kidston stuff.This is me – I drink too much, I eat too much, I swear too much. I am outstandingly average, utterly flawed and unashamedly happy to be so. Welcome to my blog.

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32 thoughts on “WARNING! Obnoxious and Vulgar – like me!

  1. I love puns and play-on-words jokes. I am reading this hoping that my eldest won’t come into the kitchen and look over my shoulder. I am not good at explanations! Thanks for putting a smile on my face! (snigger snigger)!

  2. You don’t ice cupcakes? Well, that’s it for you and me kid, I’m packing up my Cath Kidson bag (I’m assuming she makes bags…) and i’m outa here.

    You know what’s really funny? Apart from toilet humour, i mean. The fact that you censored f*ck and then wrote cock.

    *snigger*

  3. Excellent! You had me hooked at Obnoxious & Vulgar!
    I too found it bloody hysterical that you censored f*ck but that cock was fine. Keep it up, makes for refreshing reading (and makes me want to open my door and scream something like NIPPLES for all the world hear).

    • Thanks Nicki and welcome!! It feels good to get the shackles off – seriously, I am concerned that my radar doesn’t think cock is bad! I once bought some cock soup from Budgens – it’s made by Maggi (and male chickens). Too funny, I tend not to walk through the streets shouting swear words – but I am sure it’s only a matter of time 😉

  4. ……Thank God you’re not a `yummy mummy’!….and we wouldn’t want you any other way…..that was HILARIOUS!

    p.s. since we’re in `hussie` mode, you won’t mind me commenting that in your last posting I had to do a double take when you said `Hagar flew a big chopper`!

  5. WOWZERS! Thanks for the super cool shout-out. And congratulations on removing those cussword shackles so that you can now be free to say SHIT instead of POO, or drop the F-BOMB when it’s the best word for the sentence! I hope I didn’t offend any of your readers- appreciate the time you took to come by and hang out- and hope to see you again soon!

    YOU MADE MY GODDAMN DAY!
    😉

    xoxo

    • Yes, I shall pop over often chum. Good luck at Blog Her!! I hope nobody sasses you – I can’t wait to read all about it. I was really inspired by your honesty and freedom of voice. It gave me the confidence to reveal more of the real me! Thanks again.

  6. Oh Darling girlie! you continue to make me smile and cry all in the space of a paragraph! DONT EVER change! it was your wonderful sense of humour (I sat infront of you waiting for Pippylicious to walk down the aisle and you were whispering -really loudly- rude comments to Hagar about all the guests) that made me love you straight away!!!!

    • Thanks lovely! Gee schucks! And also for reading my blog and generally being so amazing. Obviously, what with you loving me so much and giggling at my naughty-ness that in turn made me love you too!! Now that Mr Apple has moved into the manor, maybe we can meet up before the end of time. I would love that! 😉 xxx

  7. LMAO! You had me snorting my tea through my nose at your Facebook faux pas – makes me wish I was one of your friends, just in case I’ve miss out on more! 😀

    English wasn’t my mother tongue, but I learned to speak it from young, and it’s definitely a language I love – the “in-your-end-o”‘s are the best! 😉

    PS. Often wondered why you call Hagar “Hagar”?

    • Sorry about the snotting! Yes – it can be really playful. I love it too – I have such a literal sense of humour.

      Hagar is called Hagar after a cartoon script viking that used to appear in The Sun.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A4gar_the_Horrible

      Hagar is a grumpy, fat, viking warrior just like husband who is grumpy, smelly military type! (well sort of, in a gently teasing kind of way). (Hägar is both a fierce warrior and a family man. A running gag is his exceptionally poor personal hygiene (his annual bath is a time of national celebrations) and Hägar’s simplistic cluelessness, often finding at odds with his family.) Hagar is married to Helga – weirdly!!

      • Ah, I know all about Hagar the Horrible – Dik Browne’s wonderful creation. In my youth I was called Honi… and my dad was Hagar the Horrible. I was just curious, wondering if there was a Scandinavian connection. Guess not! 😀

      • Alas no – Hagar is Scottish. Although we love Scandanavia and Scandanavians – we went to Sweden for a two week holiday a few years ago, I worked on the Gotland Runt and love Stockholm and the Archipelgo (seriously, what’s not to love!)I used to work with Velux so I have been to Denmark a few times too. Plus Hagar has spent many a drunken time at the simulator in Stevanga, Norway.

  8. Hahahaha!!! Hilarious! I love it and I love you! Let it loose woman…(take that to mean what you will). I think we are all too scared to let ourselves truly be ourselves so we stifle our “naughty” sides. Good for you for putting it out there. I’m a bad mom with a love for too much wine and coffee! What can ya do??

    • Aah chick we are but mere humans after all! I just felt it was time to reveal my true self. I am what I am. There is so much more really this is just the beginning of a long line of confessional adventures. I am sure you mean you are an awesome mum with a love of wine and coffee – you sound like my kinda gal! Maybe you should fly the flag for real woman in the milly community over on your side of the pond…..go on…I dare you *naughty snigger*

  9. I loved this post. Just wiping the wine off the laptop that I spat out from guffawing outloud!
    I’m crap at remembering jokes, but surely I can even remember the oral/ anal joke?? Maybe not one for family gathering. I’ll stick to my ‘what’s brown and sticky’ joke for that!

    • I reckon you could manage the nun joke too!!! Is that a stick? How about – what’s got a hazlenut in every bite? Thanks for stopping by – I love Chablis too, and Sancerre – and all alcohol…..love your blog name 😉

  10. I like it, engaging and amusing (and rude). Incidentally the Annual Enema Re-union – Sunday 5 September at Bletchley Park. No shit. Or maybe I have that wrong?

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