The Truth Is We Can’t Handle The Truth

Do we want the truth or do we like to wrap ourselves up in someone else’s fantasy life? The grip of the news hacking story is dying down now and Cameron is hanging on by his finger tips.

“I did not have any inappropriate conversations” he declared to parliament – Cleverly put.
What he is really saying:
“I did have some appropriate conversations though.”

I don’t know what is the truth. But if I were to speculate, I’d say this; in my humble opinion (IMHO) – I hasten to add:

1.) Cameron brokered a deal with Murdoch for his support (IMHO)
2.) He agreed to take Andy Coulson on his team to give the Murdoch eyes and ears inside Downing St (IMHO)
3.) In return for Murdoch’s support he agreed not to oppose the BSKYB bid

But the truth is that we let this happen because we are apathetic and we want someone else to make our decisions for us. The majority feed off the salacious scandal, the muck digging and the rise and fall of those in power. We let this happen because we gorge on the junk and invest our pennies in it. We bought it – we drove it and we supported it.

A friend sent me an article recently written in The Times declaring that celebrity film interviews were vacuous and pointless because they are so heavily minded by viperous PRs. The journalist wrote this article anonymously because they feared would be blacklisted by celebrity PRs and they wouldn’t get their 10 minutes of guff. The PRs are in charge because they provide access. But maybe journalists aren’t working hard enough to stick to the truth. If the truth is so important to them they would just write what they see. Or maybe folk just want to know that all is well in Happy Ever After and we need the fantasy escapism of perfection to keep our aging inferior selves satiated. Could we handle the truth?

The thing is now I don’t feed off it unless I am in the beauty parlour being plucked and polished so to indulge in a mindless cheese-fest of the empty helps keep my mind off the torture of beauty I am enduring. I don’t invest it in myself because I am not bothered. I am barely interested but I am interested by those who are. I am surrounded by early 20 years olds at the moment – they invest it and they believe it to be real. They are bothered. They buy into it. They want to be Kate Middleton – the fairytale myth of Cinderella centuries on still permeates society and girls buy into not understanding that it’s a honey trap and will inevitably result in domestic slavery.

I just want to runaway. Live in exile, off grid, self sufficient – un-influenced and un-interrupted from a world, I can’t control and vice I can’t avoid.

The truth is that Hagar is at war doing things I don’t agree with. The truth is that many military wives are unhappy but are frightened to say the words out loud. The truth is the military want us to be all cupcake bakers and backbone but give words of thanks they don’t mean. Why am I supporting unpaid, the methods of combat, in a war, we shouldn’t even be fighting in this way?

Hagar is paid for his job – he is not a volunteer yet he has equal responsibility to parent his children and yet he is sent away for months on end. So tell me why should I carry this responsibility? Why should I support the military and the Government? Especially, when the military make up the rules as they go along to suit their own ends. They will punish me when it suits them and then use me when it suits them as well. I am at their mercy by marriage. For the record, ‘no I did not know what I was getting in to when I got married’ and ‘no, I am not used to it.’ When I say these words in other places I am subjected to a barrage of abuse about how wrong I am. But the truth is most can’t handle my truth.

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31 thoughts on “The Truth Is We Can’t Handle The Truth

  1. I think she means I don’t volunteer to go away, it is my job. Why are so many people so scathing of what AMMM has to say? I have never understood, she is exercising her right to free speech, just as you are by challenging her. I volunteered to join up, I do not object to what I do, but she has no say in when I go or how much support I can offer when I am around – I agree with the sentiment and I think too many people are hiding behind their annonymity, like you DSUKF…….if you really feel that strongly about things, why not use your real name? Mine is not on here to protect me as I am still serving, before you ask. 😉

    • I don’t use my real name because my husband is serving and, unlike your wife, I have a basic grasp of persec and opsec.

      • The MOD digital comms strategy (there’s a DIN) actively encourages the extended military community to blog and share their experiences. In the USA there are a huge number of military wife and mother bloggers. I use my real name because I am a professional writer and I need to use my name in order to do my job. I AM NOT IN THE MILITARY!!!!!!!!!

      • Sorry, just realised I forgot to answer your questions about why this blog gets such a bad reaction from the online military community (for want of a better phrase). I suspect it’s because 1) It’s very badly written and 2) your wife is perceived, rightly or wrongly, to be setting herself up as some kind of spokeswoman for all military wives and her experiences and views don’t ring true with the vast majority of us.

      • As tempting as it is to delete the comment. I will leave it.

        I am not setting myself up as a spokeswoman. I am blogging MY experiences not your experiences and opinion. This is my blog and my opinion. You want your opinion reflected write your own blog.

        Are you now speaking on behalf of the online military community?

        Life is not simple and it’s not black and white. We don’t have to agree – maybe you are happy to put up and shut up. But I am not.

    • I didn’t say you were setting yourself up as a spokeswoman I said you were perceived to be.

      Neither did I say I was setting myself up as the voice of any community. However the fact is that on two of the largest unofficial military websites your blogs are either ignored or slated.

      I didn’t say I was happy to put up and shut up either. I do prefer not to get myself wound up by things I can’t change or by people expressing a different view to my own. I also choose not to define myself or my online persona by what my husband does for a living but again that is a personal choice.

      • Who said you can’t change things. Everything can be changed. surely you are happy with status quo.

        The blog evolved from my own name to this because of the way the parent blog community is derived and it was other bloggers that started calling me A modern military mother and i rolled with it and then started the blog. The military affects every personal decision I have to make. First rule of writing is write about something you know and I know about my life and how the military impacts my personal freedom and choices. It has to change and it will.

        Yes slated on the two communities but I get PM that are very supportive.The MOD promote the blog too across their digital channels. Maybe you should get your hands on the MOD digital DIN – the blog is within guidelines. Blogging is an integrated part of MOD comms.

  2. Most people don’t want the truth because it is scary and harsh. They hide from the truth of their lives let alone the truth of the society they exist within. Us humans are weak and driven very often – not always but very often – by the material needs of the now. That includes our politicians especially where the temptations are far greater and more regularly offered. That doesn’t excuse a damned thing though. Public opinion can change all that though – but only when the truth is out and people face it in a calm level-headed way. Hence, the predicament we’re all in. As for military life – I am wary of commenting as I know so little about it. But I will say that I think both you and Hagar, indeed all servicemen/women and their spouses get a raw deal. It seems to me that in this age of human rights and big society, things could and should be improved drastically for all.

  3. Hagar is most definitely a volunteer. He can resign his commission at any point. If he has to give some return of service, then that is because he has volunteered for something he wanted to do.

    Please be careful with your statements – it ruined an otherwise good blog.

    • Yes, he volunteered and he wasn’t conscripted. With regards to resigning his commission at any point – it’s not that simple and he is wearing handcuffs. But even so; I didn’t volunteer, I can’t resign and I am still carrying the burden. It’s not really about Hagar – it’s about me. I can’t get out and I’ve had enough. He’s still wants to carry on – as is his right.

      When I say ‘volunteer’ I mean it in the context of ’employed’ or ‘hired’ – although I recognise that the term has a different meaning with regards to the military.

  4. I can entirely sympathise although my husband is not in the military. We are enjoying our first week together in 6 months, before he leaves for foreign climes until Christmas and even then enormous pressure was put on him to cancel this week’s holiday and go straight there. I think he’ll have spent less than a month with his children by the time the end of the year comes. Sadly some professions have no respect for a work/life balance and people completely underestimate the strain it puts on the one who is left behind to deal with everything. It is only because your husband and mine have strong, capable women behind them that they are able to go off to do the job they are doing and that should be acknowledged not criticised. Walk a mile in (y)our shoes and all that.

    • I am bored of being the backbone – I would like to be the roamer. Hopefully I’ll get a trip to South Africa next year and also China – that would make my less grumpy!! Mowing the freaking lawn tomorrow – good job I am handy with a pull chord all those years starting outboards!! Hang in there – Sept is more normal for me – let’s catch up then. xx

  5. The timing of your blog was spot on. I think truth is a perception. From what I see, everyone plays multiple roles – mother, wife, worker, friend, daughter, lover, tax payer, community member, neighbour. And for each of these people, the perception and truth is different. Is it lying to not acknowledge the variety of roles? Being married to a person in the military is acknowledging that there is (at least) a duality between gun-toting soldier and the husband/lover/dad. As for doing it alone, I’m in a place where “Growth through adversity” is how I choose to look at it.

  6. I suppose because I worked in PR I find it funny that people believe what is written in the papers! Like you I choose to just try and get away from the roar of the mindless media and just try and live in my own bubble. When you are rich enough you will be able to afford a luxurious self sustaining lifestyle ! x

  7. AMM,
    I’m sorry to say that I’m disappointed that you and your husband seem to be missing the point.
    He IS a vounteer- ( his particular Sqn take pride in that fact)
    He HAS the option to leave if his responsibility to his family outweighs that to his service. He is kidding you and himself if he believes otherwise.
    If it doesn’t fit – he CAN leave, he may just have to repay the substantial financial incentive he received to stay.. And forego any CEA you may receive.
    Don’t play the bleeding heart, that doesn’t wash with those that do accept their responsibilty.
    Ref annonyminty, don’t make me laugh. You make no secret of your litterary success- it identifies him almost as much as stating his full name.
    What world do you live in?

    • No you are missing the point. It’s not about him – it’s about me. Why should I carry his legal responsibility unpaid to support the Govt? I am the volunteer not him! I am not paid to carry his legal responsibilities to his children and yet the military expect me to do it!

      He doesn’t want to leave – it’s me that wants to be devolved from the military. It’s me that wants to leave! Typical – you only see things from one side as ever. It’s you that lives with your head up your arse. Read it again!

    • and errr, how exactly have I missed the point? Of course I can leave, I can PVR and drop it all (in 12-18 months time – cheers Manning!) and yes I would have to re-pay my FRI and the CEA my children receive. But, not missing the point, I still LOVE MY JOB!

      AMMM does not have that choice, right now she has the kids on her own as I am away – me being away is not her choice.

      Please remind what point I missed?

      • PS – I must know you, you seem to know me. Stop me and buy one when I get back to Blighty – if its worth saying, its worth saying to my face. Bollocks to the annonymity on here.

  8. It’s about you is it?
    He doesn’t want to leave, yet he has legal responsibility towards his wife and children?
    As you have so eloquently stated previously, some people ‘ do what they want to do’
    Food for thought perhaps? Or maybe, there is a bigger question of selflessness her? I honestly don’t know. We have wrestled with the same dilemma and made our choice as a family.
    I respect your view as much as I repect your ability to make the bed in which you lie.
    Unfortunately (IMHO) we don’t always have the choice to “do what we want to do”- there is a multitude of considerations to take into account- which includes not putting oneself first.
    …just a thought… 🙂

    • I have been selfless for 10 years – with over 17 deployments in that time, countless exercises, night flying, mess dos, etc, etc. I don’t even agree with what he is doing and how it is done. Greater good? But I can’t get out of it – I am trapped. When is it my turn? And you know as well as I do the military twist the rules to suit their own ends. This is no longer my choice. The military take it for granted.

      For what it’s worth I am re-making that bed in which I lie. I have never been one to shut up and put it up – I make change happen. I hope you thank your wife, NEVER take her for granted, treat her like a goddess and not like a domestic slave. Her sacrifices give you the freedom to do what you want so I hope you duly compensate her and more importantly appreciate the mundane every day things she does for you, which you have probably stopped noticing.

      Turkeys don’t vote for Christmas and the military uses unpaid labour in the way of wives and families to support campaigns and conflicts people don’t want.

  9. What I was going to ask you was whether military wives ever got together and spoke really honestly about their experiences, and how they felt about their lives and the way their husbands work affected them.

    And then I read the comments section. I can see that there are a lot of people who feel very threatened by what you write. Is it always this way?

      • …but god forbid anyone who states that in public! Watch the denials come pouring in – ‘we have our own thoughts, we have our own lives, we choose to do this because we support our husbands etc etc’. What AMMM does is speak truthfully, not many are willing to actually stand up and be counted, IMHO.

      • I have my own thoughts.

        I have my own life.

        To suggest otherwise is hugely insulting to me and many thousands of others. How dare you?

        I choose to support my husband in his career as he chooses to support me in mine. I have yet to meet anyone who has no complaints about their career or that of their spouse be they military or civilian. For me the payoff is that a military career is relatively short and will allow my husband to support me in my career once his is finished.

        Incidentally in my experience when military spouses get together we have a five minute moan about the military followed by a conversation that can take in everything from office politics to bikini waxes. There is no need to discuss our experiences because it is enough to be with someone who ‘gets it’.

        However because my experience differs from yours no doubt you will dismiss it.

        As an aside, AMMM it really sounds like you’re struggling a bit, I genuinely think you need to speak to someone and get some support. Or have some wine, wine works for me.

  10. Thanks – yes, it’s tough especially when a chinook gets shot down – that’s never an easy day. I like rumsy wumsy. I find that helps.

    Ha ha – that’s funny. I think you are missing the point. Of course, you have your own life and thoughts – I think he was being genuine when he said that. A short service life without kids and you can still conduct your career and his sounds great but that’s not my situation. I am talking about a decade of marriage and thirteen years of relationship – two kids, postings and many, many, many deployments to war with death, injury and incident.

    Everyone’s experiences are different. Yours is yours and that is equally valid – I wouldn’t dismiss it. But this blog isn’t about you – it’s about me and these are my views and I have been doing this long enough – too long! The early years were a constant party but slowly over time and evolution that was slowly eroded away and a different picture emerged.

    It’s you that is dismissing my view because it is not yours. We don’t have to have the same the view – that is not important to me. This is my truth. Everyone’s experience is unique.

  11. I got married to an ex-soldier who then rejoined the army and I had absolutely no concept of how much my life would be dictated to by the military. Whilst we were in Germany, in early 2000’s one of my friend’s who was an Officer’s wife told me that she had bleached her hair blonde because that was the ONLY part of her life that she had any control over. There is a huge gap for anyone who is used to the freedom experienced on civvy street, who is suddenly exposed to the restrictions of military life that can only be described as a culture shock.

    I love reading this blog AMMM and please continue writing it!

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